Why I’m Writing

I’m writing this because I probably will never write again. It was a random thought that came up because I was reading about Stewart Brand. I’m nothing like Stewart Brand, but if he can do it, then I can as well. I completely lack creative drive. No, that’s not the truth, but I’m creatively blocked.

Several years ago, I started working through The Artist’s Way. I never got through — I couldn’t even do morning pages every day. When I first met Marie, we started working through the book together. I think I got to week 8, or something like that. But I stopped and she stopped. She later had a group that did one week every month. I’m not sure whether she made it to the end. There is a lot of value in finishing things. Especially when they involve some sort of creative pursuits.

Which brings me to today. I’m vomiting text, and that’s fine. I need to get unblocked, so I can stop putting crap in my body. I need to get back into equilibrium. I feel like the words are rushing out and there is no way for them to get there. There isn’t really anything going on; I feel a bit of pressure in my stomach, probably from the beer I drank. And there’s some pain in my left elbow. And I can feel my fingers rubbing on the keyboard as I type. Why am I typing? Medium is probably going to go out of business because it doesn’t really have any way to make money. It has lots of $5 subscriptions. I even made some money from those $5 subscriptions — some months I make more than I spend.

My non-resolution is that I will start writing a lot more. Or rather, creating a lot more. I refuse to aspire to spend 30 minutes a day creating something. What that something is, I’m not really sure. I’m just going to type or draw or write, or create. Maybe I can take a photo. That all sounds about right. I don’t have to do it; it will be a choice that I renew every day. Or maybe this will last exactly one day or one week or one year. These things always come to an end. I just want to feel like I can do something right for once. So I’m going to write without worrying about what comes out. I hope no one reads this, because I’m sure it wouldn’t make sense to them.

I have been really depressed by the state of the world. It feels like no one gives a shit about anyone else. We are seeing a rise of totalitarianism, and people don’t see what is going on. Or maybe they do and don’t care. Democracy is messy. The norms that have kept our country together for 250 years are being violated. And no one is willing to do anything about it. One party just wants power, and the other is afraid of doing anything. Am I afraid of doing anything? Can I make something happens? I’m probably not going to have any involvement in politics. It doesn’t seem like politicians are creatively unblocked.